Improper Memories
by Ava Chanel
Summary: Cloud recalls the time when he had been a vegetable and Tifa had nursed him back to health. He especially likes to recall the memories that involved bath water, soap, sponges and very little clothing. Cloud x Tifa one-shot, post-AC.


**A/N: **_Quickie one-shot. To get the writing juices flowing, you know? Rated for a reason. _

_And I do want you to know,_

_I'll hold you up above everyone,_

_And I do want you to know,_

_I think you'd be good to me,_

_And I'd be so good to you,_

_I would..._

_Song by Mariana's Trench, "Good to You"_

**Summary: **Cloud recalls the time when he had been a vegetable and Tifa had nursed him back to health. He especially likes to recall the memories that involved bath water, soap, sponges and very little clothing. Cloud x Tifa one-shot, post-AC.

**Improper Memories**

It was the highlight of the day.

Nothing felt better at the end of such a long business trip. Tifa's food would probably be the next thing to rival it. On cue, I eyed the platter sitting on the bar counter and felt my stomach respond in agitation. No. Food could wait. This was better. This was more important. It was what I really needed.

A bath.

A simple pleasure that was made even better with the fact that the whole house was fast asleep. Nothing but a peaceful silence filled the bar. Quiet. A perfect atmosphere for a warm bath. Especially so late at night; morning was only a few hours away, after all.

I kicked off my muddy boots and trudged up the stairs in nothing but socks. It felt good having the shoes off at last. I grabbed a towel from the cabinets before finally heading straight to the bathroom. I flicked on the light, locked the door and started to run the water. Testing it to just below scalding hot, I let the water fill up the porcelain tub while I took off the rest of my soiled clothing. Dirt, dust, sweat, and blood were all part of a day's work and they showed on the clothes and, sometimes, my skin. I was going to fix that now.

Without a further moment of hesitation, I stepped into the tub and sat down in the little water that had managed to accumulate. It gaped at my knees so I let the water continue to run. I threw my head back and lay still, closing my eyes and giving in to relaxation. My arms rested on the tub's edge and I could feel all the tension releasing. A contented sigh slipped from my lips without my realizing it and I could feel sleep tugging at my conscience gently. I was tempted to give in but the sound of the rushing water kept me awake. It was a peaceful sound, a soothing one. The way the water ran in a steady stream, colliding and bubbling with the water that was still and unmoving in the tub, had a funny way of getting me to ease up. But, the comforting noise wasn't the only blissful quality that water had; attached to that sound were the memories.

It was the memories that trickled back into my mind, the same way that water trickled down my legs, my torso and my arms, which put my mind at ease. I would never be able to forget them. They were there; forever engrained in my mind in such a way that no matter what, the running water during a bath would always remind me. But unlike most of my memories, these ones were pleasant. They were grouped with some of my best memories, the few of them that did exist.

With my eyes closed, I could feel them coming on; dialogue followed by images, flashes of it all, coming in bits and pieces until I could recall the correct order it had all happened in...

_"Hey, Cloud...I really need you stay up, you know?"_

Her voice never changes. Tifa...

I enter the memory and embrace it and when I can see wisps of dark hair flutter over my face briefly, I know that I'm reliving it.

I can even recall the familiar sweet scent of vanilla that came off of her. But I can't move; I can't turn to look at her. I'm trapped and there's so much I want to say to her.

I know that what she's going through is unbearable. I know that if given the choice, she'd choose to spend her whole life taking care of me. I don't want her to. I want her to choose life. I want her to move on and forget about me. Yet, part of me doesn't want her to. A selfish Cloud is telling me he enjoys having her like this, in this way, all to myself. Either way, I can't speak and whenever I try, nothing coherent comes out. I make a gurgling noise and then her face is in front of mine, concern etched into her features. She looks tired and beat and it makes me feel terrible for putting her through this.

Wasn't I supposed to be the hero?

"_Cloud...I know you won't like this, but we need to give you a bath. I figured it would be better if I did it than the nurse."_

She smiles and the room lights up a bit.

"_To give you more privacy, I'm going to move you to the tub. I've already got the water running."_

Her face is gone then, in a flash, and nothing but her smile lingers in my memory. Damn it, why can't I just turn and look at her? I'm frustrated and angry that my body isn't listening to me. It won't do anything I tell it to. All I can do is stare blankly ahead at nothingness. That was why, whenever she'd put her face directly in front of mine, it came as a gift. Looking at her was a whole lot better than staring at blank, white walls.

My view was shifting now and I could hear her make a sound as she hoisted my body up. It took me a while to understand that I was standing now. She was supporting me, my arm draped around her slender shoulders and, slowly, she began to drag me towards the bathroom.

"_There ya go! Wasn't...too bad now, was it? Although...sheesh, Cloud, you sure are heavy."_

So don't do this, Tifa. Go with the others, help them. Don't help me. I'm useless to you right now...I'm useless to everyone right now. Nothing but a puppet...Maybe Sephiroth was right.

While I wallow on in my own self pity, Tifa has managed to get me to the bathroom and has started to strip me down. By the time I realize what she's doing, I'm already half naked. At this point, I don't know what to do or even how to feel. Tifa Lockhart was completely undressing me. My skin broke out into goose bumps, with nothing to shield me from the cool air. I want to look at her and read her expression, get a hint of how she feels about this. But again, I find I'm staring at the walls of the bathroom while she tugs off my pants.

Have I been driven to the lowest of lows?

By the feel of cold air hitting my legs, I knew that the only piece of clothing I had on at this point was my underwear.

Good God, Tifa. Don't take them off. Please. I didn't think I'd be able to bear anymore humiliation within such a short span of time.

_"You're shivering, Cloud...I'm sorry."_

Her voice is soft and gentle and I know that she means it. I also know she's apologizing for more than my chills. Why? Why say sorry? You've done nothing wrong.

If anyone should be sorry, it should be me. It's my entire fault that any of this happened in the first place. But I can't even tell her this. I can't even apologize to her. I can't even comfort her. Useless. This body of mine. It's useless.

_"Well, I'll just have to get you into the water, then. I promise it's warm. You shouldn't feel cold once you're in the tub." _

She goes back to fidgeting around and I still can't see her. Finally, her head comes into view and she's helping me move towards the bath. I can see her profile from the corner of my eye but that's about all I get. It was better than not seeing her at all. I was also happy to notice that she'd left my underwear on.

The tub finally comes into my view when we edge closer to it and the only thing I see are bubbles. Lots of them. She's giving me a bubble bath. I wonder why on earth she's decided this. As if picking up on my sudden insecurity, she speaks to me.

"_I know, I know. Bubble baths are girly and childish but...I used them for you. So that you don't feel...too indecent while we do this." _

Her voice trails off quietly but I understand her now and, once I do, I get a sudden and new found appreciation for bubble baths and the massive amount of white, soapy foam coating the top of the water. I wanted to smile at her, thank her. Instead, a loud moan came out of my mouth and I hated myself even more.

"_Don't worry, Cloud. We'll get you in there." _

She sounds reassuring, positive and upbeat. It was this moment that helped me really appreciate the optimism that was Tifa Lockhart. I had never put any attention to it before, never cared for it. But now, listening to the calmness of her voice, I found I had missed it all this time. If I got to listen to it every day for the rest of this life, then I'd gladly stay a vegetable as long as I'd get her to stay by my side. It was selfish, completely selfish of me. But without it- without her-I knew I'd lose my sanity even quicker.

One foot over, my leg was coated in warm, foamy bubbles. The smell of lavender and some spice I couldn't place wafted under my nose. Both feet were over, in the tub. Tifa huffed behind me but still had her arms supporting me in case I fell. Then, those same strong arms slowly eased me down. My underwear was soaked with bubbles, now. It was an uncomfortable feeling. I wanted to take them off and almost wished she had done it sooner.

Once she had me seated in the bathtub, I watched as her hands sank into the water, bubbles coating her bare arms. Mortification was an understatement when I noticed what she was aiming for- my underwear. Her fingers found the band that sat against my hips and they tugged down, careful so that all they touched was the fabric. Nonetheless, panic flooded me and another sound came out of my mouth.

"_Unfortunately, they had to come off, Cloud. You understand, right?" _

Sure they did but it didn't mean I had to like it.

I watched as the bubbles parted and a soaked piece of cloth was dragged to the surface by Tifa. I think she threw them to the side. This was beyond humiliating now. When Tifa Lockhart had to deal with my underwear, I was beginning to wonder just how much more I would be able to take.

And then a sponge attacked my legs.

I watched helplessly as a piece of Tifa's long hair stuck to the bubbles in the tub while she leaned over the edge and scrubbed at my ankles down below the surface. The bubbles obscured my nudity and so, she was simply using her hands to feel me. I was also being given a perfect view of her this way. If I had to stare at something for hours, why not her?

I took in the determination set in her features as she blindly made her way up my knees. She had tied her very long hair up into a bun on top of her head but shorter pieces had escaped and seemed to be tickling the water when she'd lean over. When she had to do the next leg, she seemed to need to sit on her knees and reach forward, giving me a better view of her body now. The white material of her tank top kissed the top of the heaping pile of bubbles and I couldn't help but notice how her breasts moved with her efforts. If I had been capable of blushing, I was sure my face would have turned a red brighter than Nanaki's fur.

When she finished with my thighs, she sat back on her legs, back straight and could I no longer see her. I was unsure if, this time, it was a good thing or not. I heard a soft sigh escape her and I knew that the movement had hurt her back. It just wasn't fair that she had to be going through this alone. What I was doing to her was cruel and I wished a thousand times that she would just leave. Solitude was not only something I was used to but what I felt I deserved, after all the sins I've committed in this lifetime. Tifa shouldn't have to bear the guilt with me in this way. She didn't deserve my penance.

"_I can't do this. Not like this, anyways."_

Her words hit me hard; is she finally fed up? Is she finally...leaving me? My heart aches at the thought and, as much as I don't want her to go, I know it's what's best for her. She deserves as much. I hear her shift next to me and the shadow of her full figure looms over me. My chest squeezes when I realize how much I would miss every little thing about her.

_God, Tifa. Don't leave me._

I've changed my mind again, succumbing to my weakness. I knew I was to suffer this fate alone but, damn it, I didn't want to. I wanted her here. No, I _needed_ her here. If she was to ever leave, I...I wouldn't know what to do. It pains me to know that I could never say goodbye to her, never embrace her in my arms, and never let her know how much everything she's done for me means. She would leave knowing nothing.

There's some shuffling next to me and I see something hit the ground from the corner of my eye. Was that...her tank top?

My heart hammers against my ribcage, fluttering, reminding me I was still alive, still able to feel. Simply unable to move.

I can't look up to see what she's doing but I do catch her foot enter the water, followed by her bare leg. They move behind me and she pushes me forward with her dainty hands. I have no idea what she's doing or why. I hardly care; I was just glad that she wasn't leaving, after all. That I had been panicking for nothing. Relief washed over me in a warm wave but was quickly vanquished when I felt her legs slide next to each of mine. What in the _hell_ was she doing?

I felt her sitting behind me and somehow managed to decipher the fact that she was completely naked. I could feel her heat, her warmth, the tender flesh of her exposed breasts pressed against my wet back. My heart started racing all over again and a low, scratchy groan escaped my throat.

"_I-I'm sorry, Cloud. But this is the only way I can do this right. I can wash your back and your hair a lot easier this way...And also, we can be embarrassed together..."_

Enduring my punishment wasn't enough for her; she would humiliate herself with me, too. I didn't know how to feel about that. I didn't want her to go through this. Yet I appreciated her being there for the ride, anyways. But now that we were both naked in the tub, I was suddenly more acutely aware of everything she did, every place the sponge traced. I was highly aware of when her skin touched mine, even under water. It left a trail of fire.

Her long arms wrapped around my body, the sponge in her delicate fingers brushing at my neck, then my throat, going down to my shoulders and my chest. Everywhere we touched left my skin feeling warm, feverish. Gentle fingers continued their journey down my stomach, with the sponge being their only barrier between them and me. She travelled lower, disappearing underneath the bubbles and the water. I inhaled sharply at the contact and then another incoherent sound came out of my mouth. She was being careful, treading slowly.

Damn it, she had no idea what she was doing to me. Then, more than ever, I wanted control of my body. I wanted it back so badly, I was convulsing with the need. I wanted to grab her arms, bring her fingers to my mouth and lick the water off of them. I wanted to turn around and gather her in my arms and place kisses everywhere I could. On her delicate throat, and in the nook of her shoulder, where I could bury my face into all that hair and take in that familiar smell of vanilla spice. I wanted to undo her bun and have my fingers flow through all of its silky smoothness.

I wanted to touch her in the very same way she touched me, push my limits. I wanted to test it, see how many places on her skin, my skin that I could set on fire. I wanted to see how much further I could go before we both wouldn't be able to take it anymore.

I was overcome with so much anger and hatred that I could do none of those things that these emotions overrode everything else I was feeling. My hands remained still, not even a twitch. Why couldn't I even _look_ at her? I cried out in anguish but all that came out was another stupid noise that would tell her nothing of how I was feeling. Of how I wanted her.

She had moved on to washing my arms now and I watched on without a shred of hope remaining inside of me. When her fingers reached mine, I longed to hold them but failed again. I was beginning to truly lose my mind, my grip on sanity was loosening. All the screws were coming out and the mess that was what I thought was me, began to fall apart. I kept screaming and screaming and screaming but no one heard me, this useless body would not obey me. I was in despair and, even as I cried out into the darkness, I knew there was nothing left for me.

Wet fingers embraced mine and squeezed.

Tifa...

She called me back with that simple touch. Her chin rested on my shoulder, where my skin came into contact with her warm breath. When I came back to reality, I felt her body convulsing behind me, breasts still pressed against my back and her hands entangled with my own. The sponge had been dropped somewhere in the water, long forgotten.

The sweet smell of her hair was so close now, right under my nose. Her sobs joined in with the noise of the running water. It was a sound I would always remember.

"_I-I'm...s-so sorry, Cloud...So s-sorry...Please, forgive m-me, one day..." _

For what? I blame her for nothing. Nothing at all. She would always be innocent in all of this. Always. Tifa Lockhart has committed no sins, none against me. Still, I wanted to tell her it was okay. To whisper it to her when I'd tell her I'd forgive her for everything, anything. Her fingers held onto my own, smaller, more fragile and delicate. And yet, tainted.

I wanted to squeeze back and let her know I was here. That even though my body wouldn't obey me, I was still Cloud. Cloud Strife was still here, holding up on shaky ground thanks to her. I'd have deteriorated long ago if she hadn't been here to support me. I'd have become the vegetable inside that I was on the outside.

I just wanted to let her know, give her a sign. To watch her eyes glimmer with that hope instead of these tears that wracked her body. To make her believe in me again, see that I still wanted to fulfill my promise to her. I still want to be her hero, be the one to save her when she needs it. I wanted to wipe away her tears and put a smile back on her face. So many things that I longed to do and yet, here I was. Trapped.

_I wanted to squeeze her hand back. _

And I did.

She gasped.

I didn't know that I had actually done it until I read her reaction; her head shot up and her sobbing stopped for the moment. I stared at my hand and wondered. It had been brief. Something quick and not easy to catch. But I had done it, nonetheless.

"_Oh...Cloud."_

Her voice was muffled by tears and she broke out into a fit of hysterical laughter as well as what I was guessing would be...crying?

"_Oh, Cloud!"_

She shouted and the happiness was there amidst all the tears and the laughter. I had definitely done something right to have gotten her jumping in the bath water completely naked and completely elated. I could hardly believe it myself. It may have been a small victory, but it was still a victory. I'd take it.

She was still completely ecstatic and her face was still tear streaked when she kissed me. She turned my head to her and placed her lips onto mine. It was quick, it was rough, and it was so full of raw emotion. Her lips were as soft as they looked when they landed on mine. They were as warm and sweet as her breath had felt on my skin. They were everything I would have imagined them to be.

But it had happened so fast and so unexpectedly that when she backed away, I could still see how much she was blushing. Wet hands touched her cheeks and her eyes, red and puffy from crying, widened. My head drooped back to its normal place then, and I was greeted with bubbles again. So many feelings erupted inside of me, I couldn't even name them all.

One kiss. One kiss and I felt like acting like a young schoolboy. I wanted to skip and jump and bounce off of walls. I wanted to scream at the whole world. Tifa Lockhart kissed me. A childish memory. A silly wish I made gazing up at the starlit sky so many years ago.

"_Cloud..."_

I'd never grow sick of her voice, never grow sick of her company. I'd never forget how it had felt for I was pretty sure there would be nothing to match it. Except maybe another one.

"_Cloud...?"_

I didn't remember her saying my name like that...

"Cloud? Are you in there? The water is running out of the bathroom! CLOUD!"

I jolted upright and came to in the bathroom of the bar again. My heart hammered against my chest as I heard Tifa banging wildly on the bathroom door.

"Oh my, Cloud! Please get up! Cloud, wake up!"

She was a nervous wreck and I knew that if she wanted to, she'd break down that door. I didn't want to let it get to that point; the kids were sleeping. I looked at the tap and noticed that the water was still running and that I was completely immersed in it. My hands that had been resting on the edge of the tub, were soaked as all the water overflowed. It came down in heaps and when I stared at the tiled floor below me, it was also sopping wet. I scrambled for the tap and turned it off. Tifa's frantic banging stopped in response.

"Tell me you're okay, Cloud."

I ran a hand through my wet and matted down hair and let out a shaky breath in response, "I'm alive."

"Good. Because I'm going to kill you."

I couldn't help but smile. Falling asleep in the bathtub was not something I frequently did but when the memory had hit, it seemed to have hit me hard. The feelings still lingered, like smoke that clung to your clothes.

Despair.

Anguish.

Misery.

Sorrow.

Anger.

Pain.

Longing.

Lust.

Those were only a few.

"Cloud, hurry up in there so I can assess the damage."

Her voice interrupted my thoughts, but it only served as a reminder of the memory. I drained the water in the tub and watched as it went down, growing less and less. Then, I grabbed the towel, dried off and tied it around my waist. When I unlocked the door and swung it open, I saw her shorter frame in front of me. Her arms were folded across her chest and she looked mad.

She was wearing her pyjamas and her dark brown hair was frazzled from bed. But she was still glaring at me. I looked down at my feet and noticed that the water had seeped through the bottom of the door, soaking everything in its path, including Tifa's chocobo slippers. When I looked at her face again, my eyes were naturally drawn to her lips; the same lips from the memory. They still looked soft and warm and inviting. When she caught me looking though, I turned away and blushed. Scratching the back of my head, I didn't know what to say to her.

"Cloud Strife, you best have a good reason for this mess..."

I shrugged my shoulders, "Sorry...I guess I fell asleep. Long day."

It was the best I could give her without telling her about that memory.

She huffed and shook her head, pushing me aside and walking into the bathroom, analyzing the mess I had made. She shook her head again and then looked at me with scrutinizing eyes.

"It's four in the morning you know?"

I looked at her apologetically. There wasn't anything else I could say at this point.

"Must have been a good dream, I suppose."

A smile escaped me and I spoke without thinking, "You have no idea." The taste of her mouth on mine still lingered on my lips, even as a memory.

She raised an eyebrow at me and I coughed, clearing my throat.

I knew I shouldn't have lied to her. I knew that I should have told her about that memory. It was a meaningful one, something I cherished. But...it was she who had warned me. Because after she had dried me off and dressed me up that day, a few years ago, she had delivered a message. Curled up in a towel next to my still form, Tifa Lockhart had threatened me;

"_Cloud Strife, if you ever speak of this moment again, so help me...I will end you. I mean it. Not a word!" _

I've honoured her wish ever since.

**A/N: **_Comments? Feedback? Critisicm? All welcome!_


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